Twilight

If you really like a good Vampire movie do NOT rent this one. This has got to be one of the suckiest vampire movies of all time – even beating out Plan 9 From Outer Space. Why does this movie suck so bad?

Well, it got rave reviews and people said it was great. That was the first problem. I remember the first Batman movie remake by Tim Burton. Everyone said it was awesome. It was sold out for weeks on end. People I knew had seen it five and 10 times already. I was expecting a great film and went I went to see it I was highly disappointed (though Nicholson was incredible in it).

Twilight didn’t get quite as much hype, but it wasn’t too far behind either. Little did I know that the people that must have been reviewing the film were all 12-year old girls that didn’t know anything about vampires. Cuz vampires are real, right?

Ann Rice has probably developed the vampire as a character species more than any other author. Other authors have also had their twists on the classic vampire. As a general rule of thumb we accept a few basic facts: strong, fast, drinks blood, and above all CANNOT BE IN THE FUCKING SUNLIGHT.

Why is this so important? Because it means everything happens at night. When the time magic is high and things that are evil are the most powerful. Daylight is reserved for the good and nighttime is the antithesis of things that are good. This is part of the vampire persona.

But Twilight totally twists this around and makes the vampires completely immune to daylight. In Twilight the vampires try to avoid direct sunlight, not because they’ll die but because their skin gets all sparkly – like the stupid makeup crap that only strippers and 12 year old girls wear. Can you say gay?

The rest of the film is equally as poor in that it attempts to develop a relationship with a young high-school chick and vampire that has repeated high-school about a billion times because he is eternally 17. And the film is great at portraying all the high-school drama and crap that only 12-year old girls care about to you, the audience, who is glad to be fucking out of high-school because they couldn’t stand that crap to begin with.

And the guy vampire that is supposed to be hot and good looking? He’s gay. He’s weird looking, not good looking. He acts like he’s about to come out of the closet at any moment. You think that might be the big turning point in the film, when he comes out and tells the chick he’s really a gay vampire, because the film sure as hell isn’t really going anywhere else.

These vampires are “vegetarian” vampires – meaning they don’t eat humans – and so there is very little violence or action in the film.

Mostly the closet vampire lies in the grass and stares deeply into to the eyes of the high school chick that is his co-star. No wonder the chicks loved it. I wanted to puke. He doesn’t even kiss her but one time in the whole film.

Vampires are supposed to be erotic, attractive creatures. They use their charisma, charm, and strength to overcome the will of people. They are not sissies that lie in the grass and make no effort to bone a hot high-school chick – Except in twilight they apparently are.

And should I spoil the climax and ending for you? Why not. The climax was not the guy announcing that he was gay. Instead, the g/f gets attacked by another vampire, a real vampire (except for the sunlight crap) – one that sucks human blood and is malevolent. Rather than kill her immediately he bites her, which infects her, and toys with her giving the sissy vampires a chance to save her. And then, while she is lying their dying the gay vampire guy has to save her by sucking out the venom, but not draining her blood to the point he kills her.

She wakes up in the hospital and he tells her he must leave an go away at which point she breaks into the worst acting of the entire film and tells him that he can’t, that she needs him, etc. Classic-fucking-boo-hoo crap.

They go to the high-school prom and she tells him he wants her to bite her and make her a vampire too. Of course he declines and asks “isn’t it enough to be with me for one lifetime?” ACK!! Where is my barf-bag because I am going to get sick from all the cheese I am being fed.

And why doesn’t he turn her so she can be with him forever? Because at least he is smart enough to know that if you live for a thousand years, that 80 years really isn’t that long and he can get out there and go bone some cute guy as soon as she’s gone.

He should have killed her about two hours ago and they should have been hunting his ass down AT NIGHT like a proper vampire film instead of wasting my time by watching this atrocious film.