Proper Hockey Drinking Etiquette

My friend, Ron (aka Weasel) and I have developed a theory on how to assist our favorite hockey team, The Dallas Stars, win more games. This theory has been a work in progress since approximately 2000 when the Stars went to work trying to win Lord Stanley’s Cup again.

The theory is relatively simple, though you must follow the rules closely or it can skew the end-results. The basic premise of the theory is that beer has energy. Now, I know what you are already thinking…..here we go with some crazy beer theory. But think about this – beer is made from the fermentation of various products such as wheat, barely, hops, etc. This fermentation indeed puts off heat and as most of us learned in basic chemistry the heat is energy. Therefore, we can conclusively say that beer has energy.

We also learned in basic chemistry that there are positive electrons and negative electrons. If this exists, isn’t it also possible that there is positive energy and negative energy stored in the beer? We believe that there is.

You have negative-energy beers. These are losing beers. These beers contain negative energy and actually hurt the team while the puck is in play. You can’t test for it, and you can’t see the negative energy. The only way you know if it’s there is if the opposing team scores a goal against the Stars. Because the beer still contains this negative energy, and we don’t want the Stars to get scored on again, we must get rid of the beer. The proper way to dispose of beer is to drink it until it is all gone.

There are also positive-energy beers. These are winning beers. These beers contain positive energy and help the team while the puck is in play. Again, there is no way of knowing if you have a winning beer or not. However, should the Stars score while drinking the beer we can conclude that it was, indeed, a winning beer and not a losing beer. The problem is that winning beers lose their energy rapidly after a goal is scored. It is therefore necessary to get rid of the beer and find another winning beer.

Now after all this beer consumption it will eventually be necessary to relieve one’s self as we all know that we don’t really buy beer, we just rent it for a while. Due to some unexplained phenomenon that we are still researching it appears to assist the Stars if you use the restroom while they are on the power play. As much as we like to watch the Stars while on the power play we have documented multiple instances where someone was in the bathroom and the team scored. We aren’t sure why this happens, but it does. It may have something to do with a temporal time vortex and the rapid collapse and expansion of the known universe and the fabric of space that exists between puck and the back of the net – but it’s just a theory at this point. We can’t actually observe this as we are in the bathroom when it happens.

And finally, a new variable has been discovered in the last year that is requiring further scientific research. This variable is based on the number of shots that are consumed before the game actually starts. There appears to be a direct correlation between how many goals the Stars score and how many shots were consumed prior to the game starting. Documented evidence and dramatic recreation has shown that if you consume three to four shots, the Stars will also score three to four shots. At this time, it is unknown exactly how this works, or how the energy of the beer is also affected. Further research is required.

So how can you help the Stars win?
1 - Drink shots before the game
2 - Consume the losing beers as fast as possible in an effort to get a winning beer.
3 - Consume the winning beers after they have used up their energy so that the Stars score
4 - And last, but not least, use the bathroom during a power play.

Follow these simple steps and the Stars may yet again win another Stanley cup.

BTW – I divulged these secrets to a friend of mine who is a Colorado Avalanche fan. Last year, during the playoffs, we had the Avs down and were looking to win the game. My friend quickly orderd a shot of Jagermeister from the bartender who had to go hunt for another bottle. The clock was ticking and my friend was getting frantic. The bartender found the bottle, poured the shot and my friend quickly consumed it. Two seconds later the Avs scored to tie up the game and then beat the Stars. I did not shoot Jager at the same time and can only apologize to everyone for the loss.