Happy Easter!!

I went to church today. Not because it was Easter. Not because I felt compelled to attend church for spiritual reasons. No, I went because my niece got Baptized. I was afraid that I would be struck down by lightning upon entering the church, but I survived that without too much difficulty.

The church was huge. Apparently there are over 25,000 members of the church!! They have a bus schedule to get you to remote parking lots. And it certainly wasn’t like when I attended church. The seating was stadium style with section numbers and everything. How do you get the good seats? I guess you “pay” more for your ticket.

This was one of those churches where they have full bands, a video production, stage show with props, the whole nine-yards. It was odd to me that we couldn’t watch my niece get baptized directly. They wanted us in the theater so they could stick it up on the big screen and show us a pre-recorded testimonial before she got dunked. The dunking was live, but everything else was recorded.

Before the baptism they had a song, then a quick prayer. The baptism took all of about 10 minutes for several people to get baptized. Then they broke into song….and then another song…and people were holding their hands up to feel the power of Jesus and the collection plates were passing and I said “fuck this, I’m out.” I bailed. Then I realized that even in the atrium they had speakers and the show on the monitors. Then the guy starts preaching and even in the atrium I couldn’t take it. So I went and stood outside in the rain to get away. Some of the people that stayed told me that it got even more theatrical as it went on. Apparently, they had green berets guarding Jesus’ tomb and that was proof that he rose from the dead. I had never heard of this, but…umm…OK. Whatever it takes.

Now I love my niece and I am glad that I got to see her get baptized because it was very important to her. However, I didn’t really appreciate feeling like I was supposed to sit there for a 2 hour preaching session about how I needed to be saved. And my niece got a “do-over.” Apparently when they baptized her they screwed up the order and so our photographer wasn’t ready. They had to do it again after the preaching to get the good photos. I’ve never seen anyone have a mulligan on a baptism, but I don’t exactly attend a lot of baptisms.