As always, I have all these great ideas to write about when I am flying and then can’t seem to articulate any of them in the same way when I actually sit down to write about them.
I suppose it has a lot more to do with freer flowing thought as I stare out of an airplane window and I just can’t get to that same place in a hotel room. Because my laptop is a behemoth and my battery doesn’t last long it is rarely worth it to pull it out on an airplane. Besides, I think they have weight restrictions on the tray tables..
Lately I’ve been dreaming a lot. For many of you, this may not be unusual. For me, it’s highly unusual. I’ve read that everyone dreams every time you sleep, but that we may not have any recollection of it. I can believe that, and if that is the case then lets say that I rarely remember that I even dreamt at all.
To take it a step further, many of you are already aware that I am a bit of an insomniac. Sometimes it’s the traditional form where I toss and turn and just outright can’t sleep. More often though it’s a bit different for me. I can’t seem to shut my brain down and therefore never reach a truly deep state of unconsciousness. I’ve had people tell me I was sleeping when I would swear up and down I was awake the whole time. It’s not that I don’t believe them, it’s that my brain continues to function on some level that eludes to a level of consciousness for me. The nights I lay down, finally fall asleep and then am just out for several hours is few and far between.
Now I can get very relaxed and my thought stream will get fairly creative and surreal. I suppose that is similar to a dream, but I don’t realize I am asleep and I am pretty sure that sometimes I am for sure NOT asleep as I can recall things going on in the environment around me.
But lately, I’ve been dreaming more at a level where I know it was true REM and I can recall that I had a dream. Not that I always remember the dream, but I at least know I had one. I’m not exactly sure what to attribute this to but it’s interesting and I’m exploring it a bit further.
I’ve also been trying to be a bit more introspective lately. It’s always hard to see yourself as you are, but I am fortunate enough to have some friends that tell me how they see me and how others see me. I’m not really trying to analyze how others see me, though. I’m trying to analyze how I see myself. Sometimes that is far more important than how others see you.
I’ve learned some things I was unaware of and have looked at things from a different viewpoint. I am not saying that I agree with them, but it’s always interesting to hear a perspective or viewpoint that you were not aware of.
Then I get to thinking if I have made good, and correct decisions and where that leaves me in my life. Over all, I’d say that answer is “yes” and I am probably more “good” than most of your weekend Christians….even though I certainly like to have my fun.
But I wonder sometimes if I missed my calling. What does that even mean? To me, it means whatever we were supposed to do. I think that we often miss-interpret that to mean that we thought we should be famous or something like that. I don’t think that I should have been famous, but it would have been a sweet ride. I have a handful of talents that I believe are more prevalent than in others. My question to myself is more of a moral dilemma to wonder if I should be exploiting them more….and not just for me, and certainly not for monetary gain, but for humanity.
As an example….what if I was really supposed to be a musician? What if I was supposed to create music that people listened to and it touched them in some profound way? In that capacity I would have been doing something more than what I am. What do I do? I make 1’s and 0’s travel around and get them where they are supposed to be. I am good at it, but what benefit am I really providing to mankind?
I have said it before, but I’ll say it again. I think most people are just sheep. I don’t believe that they have any redeeming qualities or anything to offer and if they do then they have no ambition to explore it and become more than what they are as an individual. I supposed that is pretty pessimistic, but if you really sit back and look at the percentage of the population that inspires you for any real reason you might find that it’s pretty small.
I heard a guy recently give a speech and he asked “what are American values?” His answer was fairly sarcastic and pretty much on the money. But, then he said it should be God, Family and Country. I took these answers and thought about the root effect of any of them and my summation is that it’s to be part of something larger than yourself. With religion, it’s God. With people, it’s your family. With America it’s our country. We can become part of something larger than ourselves, but I think most of us choose not to for some reason or another. I wonder if I have also inadvertently chosen this path and don’t realize it?
It makes me feel good when my friends tell me that I inspired them in some way. Often times I don’t realize I did it. Maybe that’s my contribution. Maybe, it’s that I chose to be a good person and put other people and my country ahead of myself and by doing so have become part of something larger than I cannot see right now.
I feel pretty fortunate that I have great parents and a stable environment in which to grow up. I believe that to some extent it allowed me to develop into a fairly intelligent and well balanced person. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I am super smart. I know super smart people and I simply am not genetically as intelligent as they are no matter what I do to exercise it. It never fails to humble me to be around my father, some of my friends, some of my colleagues, or others I’ve been fortunate enough to meet in my life.
So again, I wonder am I doing enough with it? Is there something more I should be doing with it? With any of it? Don’t worry. I’d not say it’s a mid-life crisis by any means, but if I can find a good Vette then I’ll buy one.
I once wrote on here a quote that I really enjoyed. http://invioletlight.blogspot.com/2007/02/brief-quote.html
I think most of us are completely missing the point and just going about our lives as we go through the motions without making any real effort to better ourselves, recognize the beauty of the world we live in, or try to be at peace with each other and make the world (not just good ‘ol USA) a better place to live. I think most people are hollow and empty inside and have lost the ability to fill that void. But I also know there are people out there that are not like that. That are doing something meaningful and purposeful in a way that cannot be expressed in financial success or popularity. They are the people that create, that are giving of themselves, that have obtained some sort of peace and balance, have chosen to be more than a rat in a cage (sorry for the cheap analogy), and are kind even though they may not always be kind. They are the ones that inspire the rest of us. I hope, in some little way, that I am one of those people.
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